Halfway through day 114 (Period Six is very much its own animal) and will be combatting sleep deprivation bigtime in a moment, but I just had, some time during Period 4 I think it was, a very up-close vision of how lousy of a teacher I have been.
Now I know this is standard self-deprecation, and I don't mean to fish compliments or to be hard on myself--I know that's its own issue and I'm not trying to beat myself up. If anything I hope I saw a big area in which I can improve, and in which I NEED to improve.
It is this: Young people need a LOT of structure. I have been told this numerous times, although maybe I have failed to absorb it, being either oblivious or willfully avoidant ... Again the point isn't self-psychoanalysis but ... the point IS ...
It's clear that good teachers get really organized and think ahead and find step-by-step ways to teach processes or lessons. And I haven't done this. My desk is a mess. I saw it through my students' eyes for a minute, last period. A bunch of quizzes and just ... sloppiness. Here is a guy who doesn't care very much. Here is a guy who half-asses it. I half-ass it, and everybody can tell. I don't deserve to be re-hired, that is clear. I am lazy, and it shows in my classroom.
I make excuses. I make it out to be a more-difficult job than it really is, this magical transformation that must take place in order for students to learn ... but damn, can I just gather the energy to clean off my desk? And keep it clean? Don't I owe my students that? Don't I owe it to everybody in my life?! I'm going to get up right this minute, and I'm not sitting back down until my desk is clear!
OK, did that--but now I'm organizing some papers I'd hidden in a file.
1) (New Habit 1, that is)--For every handout--keep one master, have another file for extras.
2) Stop xeroxing so much
Sixth Period went off much as the rest of the day did ... I started off going down the same old roads, getting all annoyed at my students and getting into skirmishes with them. And then I remembered: I'm not doing that anymore. I deal with behavior but never disrespect the students, so today I caught myself getting into it with them, and starting to be disrespectful to them, and it was like, "Sorry, I'm being a ____" ...
It's now 2:10, and I'm still trying to bring some discipline to myself as I sit here in my room, having noticed my own lack of discipline. But again--focus on the positive, Dittmer--that's where you want to go. Let's start planning next week. Let's grade some quizzes. Let's put away the homework. Let's go!
It's now 4:00. The last hour was productive, although organizing ... often I make it into this boring task, something lifeless ... organizing handouts by some method or another and it's taking forever and they're cross-indexed and it's overdone, and I'm doing it in a way that I could never ever finish.
So that doesn't serve anybody. Sigh. I get caught up with the realization of how much I've sold myself and my students short. I'm not beating myself up, really--it's liberating to realize it. I'm extremely smart, but I insist on being lazy. I give in to that energy repeatedly. I beg your pardon. I have in the past given into that energy repeatedly. I remember those days. Today, I put my work first--again and again. I consistently reflect on how I can do better. I don't avoid looking at myself. I remember when I used to half-ass it.
Ask me next time you communicate me how I'm doing with this. Feel free to get on me a little bit. If I keep putting forward half-ass effort, I am going to get half-ass results. It's past time I fixed this. I know I'm capable.
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